The Quest To Become Elden Lord

Elden Ring is a beautiful game with an enormous world full of things that made me wish I’d gone somewhere else.

Everyone talks about the freedom to explore. And there is plenty of it. You can go practically anywhere, discover you shouldn’t be there, and lose everything you earned getting there. Occasionally you find a useful item. More often, it’s a mushroom.

The story might be great. I couldn’t tell you. Everyone speaks in riddles, nobody gives directions, and apparently I was supposed to remember something a dying man whispered forty hours ago. I followed Ranni because at least one of us seemed to know what was going on.

Bloodhound’s Fang and Mimic Tear got me through most of it. If that invalidates my experience, please contact the authorities. I have a job and a child. Learning a boss’s seventeen-move combination was never going to become my second career.

Godfrey went down first try, which I appreciated. Elden Beast spent most of our time together swimming away from me. After everything I’d been through, the final challenge being a lengthy commute felt a little unnecessary.

And yes, beating a difficult boss feels good. Mostly because it means I don’t have to fight that boss anymore.

There were moments when I understood why people love this game. The scenery, the scale, finding an entirely new area tucked away somewhere—you have to respect it. Then something would kill me through a wall and the moment would pass.

I finished it. I became Elden Lord. I sincerely hope someone else handles the day-to-day operations, because I won’t be coming in.

An impressive game that I am very happy to stop playing.